Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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