I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
