I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
