3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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