i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
