you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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