Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
