Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
