Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
