just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize