when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
