Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
