Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
