The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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