So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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