I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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