You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
