the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
