Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
