I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I could fuck to npr.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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