do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
