you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
