you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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