My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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