ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
