She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
