I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
