The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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