You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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