Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
