Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
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