I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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