I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
