I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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