I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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