and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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