so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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