it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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