Umm I'm too high to move.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
