need another drink. this is the easiest way
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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