i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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