The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
