there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
