she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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