This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
