i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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