the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
