You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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