You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
