im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
