I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
