new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize