Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
