Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
