Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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