matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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