The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
