To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
