Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
