I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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