i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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