I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize