Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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