Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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